The sixth collection of jokes

(1)
A train is approaching the station when suddenly it leaves the track 
and zigzags through the meadow. After a couple of minutes it returns 
to the station. The station manager asks the driver: "What happened 
over there?". Driver: "There was a Polock walking on the track". 
Station manager: "That's strictly forbidden! I would have run over 
him!". "I tried to", said the driver, "But I had go all the way into 
that meadow to get him".


(2)
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive:
   Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant:
   Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities:
   Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional:
   We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we 
   can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic:
   Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to 
   press
If you are a manic depressive:
   It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.


(3)
A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why did you make women so 
beautiful?", to which God replies: "so that you would find them 
attractive". Then the man asks: "God, but why did you have to make them 
so dumb?". To which God replies: "So that they would find you 
attractive!"


(4)
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!


(5)
At the end of the third round the boxer says to his trainer: "Do you 
think I can beat him?". "I'm sure", says the trainer, "If you keep 
waving your hands through the air like that he will surely get a 
pneumonia by the end of next round".


(6)
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the 
neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy 
panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he 
takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, 
blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the 
neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A 
few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you 
hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. 
um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead 
in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we 
buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a 
bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick 
people out there!" 


(7)
Public service announcements from around the world:

USA: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock: do you know what time it is?"


(8)
A letter from mom:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live 
where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most 
accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able 
to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with 
them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their 
address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four 
shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only 
rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this 
time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would 
be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so 
we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she 
had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a 
boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.

Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.


(9)
A drunk in a bar is bragging about girls: "I wish I had a buck for 
every girl I ever had sex with". "Why?", says the man mext to him, 
"Would you like to buy a news paper?".


(10)
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to 
play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's 
doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "Whem I'm on the court and 
I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the 
corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!". "Really? What happens 
then?", the girl asks enthusiastic. "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't 
talk nonsense!".